Been a while since I have posted.  Time to remedy this situation.

I had an enjoyable spring break.  I went back west and got to see friends, travel, hike, and go back to my roots.  It was a much needed break from the stressors of everyday life.  In fact, I was quite happy.  My stomach issues went away and I was hungry again for the first time in over a month.  I woke up wanting to eat a large breakfast and it was great!  

I loved being able to hike in the forest.  Even though it was grey, kinda gloomy, and rainy, it was super enjoyable.  Being in the woods and going through elevation changes greater than 20 feet was amazing.  My soul felt calmed and I was once again myself.  Or the part of myself that I had been.  

I then joined up for a roller derby tournament this past weekend with the league I officiate for.  And to much of my surprise, I wasn't as happy there as I thought I would be.  I started to be upset in my stomach a little, but still ate.  I didn't feel like I was fully part of the team.  And then the ex was there and around most the time.  I did my best to not be around her when I didn't have to be, sitting on opposite sides of the stands to watch bouts.  But just her presence was upsetting, more so than I thought it would be.  Overall though, I still had fun and enjoyed working at a tournament and meeting new people from around the country.  I just didn't find the time with my team as enjoyable as I thought I would.  

During my time out west, I did some serious thinking. I feel comfortable there.  Wanted.  Free.  I miss it.  And I think that is where I must go.  As much as I am trying to stay out East with the derby team here, it isn't best.  I don't feel 100% part of the team, the ex is there, and the area doesn't fit me like the west coast does.  Shoulda known better than to shit where I eat.  So I think it is either off to work or off to school with me that I go.  I was, and still am, reluctant to do another cross country move.  I did it in the navy and hated it.  Big reason why I left the navy.  But this would be the final time.  I move back west and I stay put.  Even as I write this and acknowledge it, I'm still having reservations about moving and wanting to stay.  Once the opportunities are on the table, I think it will help me make the choice.  

Also out west, good friend gave me a book to read about neuroplasty and how the brain can change its wiring.  She has been preaching to me about it since before I went out west.  I finally got into it today.  And quickly, withing the first 3 pages, I came to a realization.  This depression, feeling bad, and abnormal way of thinking is something that is wired in my brain, and I have the power to change it. Suddenly, i realized why I dealt with this recent break up and everything else so poorly.  I have wired myself to think that everything bad that happens in my life to be a result of me and my substandardness.  Which in my thinking part of the brain, I know is not true.  So i must start to rebuild and rewire the portions of my brain into a positive thinking entity in all regards.  This brought relief once i realized this.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and now I have a plan, or plan to plan, a way to fix it.  Gotta read more of the book and get to the part about positive thinking and depression and such.  

Speaking of which, I also heard that acupuncture can help to relieve depression and melancholy feelings. I have a friend who does this, and I am seeing her this weekend.  i am going to ask her what she thinks bout it and if she recommends it.  

I think that is about all I have for now.  Time for derby practice then sleep

Over stressed this week.  Between school work and generally upset, I was super upset and couldn't even keep food down.  I vomited on the way to school on Tuesday morning.  Got myself checked out to make sure I didn't have an ulcer or other problems, and it was just stress.  And I got back on medical grounding.

Last night was one of the toughest I've been through.  I cut off all ties, with the exception of roller derby, with the ex.  No email, no google, no facebook, no phone number.  We had a long talk about what I am going through and that being around her is not good for me because just seeing her face opens up the flood gates.  And afterwards, even though it hurt and I still adore her and want to be her friend, I felt relieved.  I won't have her in my face and can start to tackle the issues one by one.

On top of that, the friend I was going to stay with had to tend to another friends emotional situation.  She had been cheated on and was a total mess.  In perspective, I don't have it that bad.  I am not as much of a mess as she is.  It made me a little relieved.  I was also kinda sad that I couldn't help her, cuz I wasn't in a state to do it. I was hoping to get some support from friends, but that didn't happen.  And that is alright.

Today I went to the beach on the way home.  A friend came to hang out and brought my dog.  It was actually relaxing.  The ocean is neosporin for my soul.  It was nice just to relax, not to think of things, and be calm.  Its not a fix to the things that upset me, but more of an escape.  One that I need.

Tomorrow I head back west.  Going to spend time with old friends and travel along the coast.  It is a much needed break and escape.  it will give me time to focus on me and getting back to the old me.  Or perhaps I don't mean old me.  That isn't the person I want to be.  The person that covered things up and just pushed through.  The person that didn't allow myself to hurt and be in pain when I need to.  By old me, I mean happy and cheerful and full of energy and wit.  I also need to be a new me.  One that is no longer hindered by events of the past.  One that looks at them and acknowledges that those things are not my fault.  That it is not due to me, but due to others.

That is all I have for now.  I've poured out everything in posts before, now its time to work on them.  But first, it is vacation time!

I should update more, but it is hard to find time to do so.

This week in counseling, I finally figured out why I feel so horrible and what has been nagging at me.  I have an overwhelming feeling of being worthless, or not good enough.  It is completely illogical, and I know it isn't true. And my emotions are fighting my brain and it is a constant struggle.

I know that I am intelligent, handsome, caring, giving, funny, hard working, honest, and overall awesome.  I tell myself this several times a day.  I want my emotions to feel this way as well.

In order to do that, I have to look at where this feeling comes from.  It is not just the recent rejection by a girl, or a friend attempting suicide, not having friends in the town I live in, or not having an idea what I'm doin in 63 days when I graduate .  It comes from a life of being alone, being the only person I could count on.

My dad killed himself when I was 2.  I wasn't good enough for him.
My grandparents on my moms side always talked down to me.  I wasn't good enough for them.
My sister was born, and I got less attention from my mom.  I wasn't worth her time anymore.

My sister killed herself.  I wasn't good enough for her.
My mom did a horrible job as a mother, leaving me to learn how to take care of myself.  I wasn't worth her care.
I was bullied in school.  I wasn't good enough for friends.

My dad's family never expected me to do well for myself.  I wasn't good enough to be success to them.

I never did well with girls or women.  I am not good enough for them.

That is it in a nutshell.  Where these feelings come from.  I've been very successful at defeating them, or covering them up.  Probably more covering than anything else.  The events mentioned above all together triggered a massive release of all these issues and has flooded my head.

I am also on the verge of isolating myself from the ex-girlfriend.  I've been trying the friendship thing and talking/hanging out in social roller derby related situations.  I try it, and my stomach is all in knots.  I'm secretly a train wreck about to happen when I'm around her.  Just typing this is upsetting me.  I wouldn't say it is due to me missing her.  Its missing how I felt when I was with her.  Its the feeling of rejection when I see her face and that once again I am reminded that I am not good enough.  Last night I had a dream where she was hurt in a car accident, and I rushed over to help her.  In my dream, she looked at me and said "No!  Stop!  I don't want you here!"  She is a trigger for this feeling.  

With that, I think I need to isolate myself from her the best that I can.  Don't hang out with her at derby, remove her from friend on facebook, and avoid other situations that I know she will be at.  At least for the time being, and until I fix myself and regain confidence.  I really want to be her friend, but don't think that it is healthy for me at this moment.  I won't decide on this today, as I am not in a good state of mind to do so.  I am also still angry at her.  Angry for being led on, angry for being ignored, and angry that all this seems so easy for her.  But I'll figure it out by Wed and let her know if I decide that more distance is needed.  

There have been good days.  Days I feel like myself and I'm happy and joyous.  Currently, things are a roller coaster.  Highs and lows.  Today is a low day.  I don't like the low days (who would?).  It sucks when people notice it.  I don't want to tell them what is happening.  It isn't their business and it wouldn't solve anything.  All it would do is upset them.  So I keep it quiet.  It sucks that it is that easy for people to notice.  

I had a great day at the parade yesterday, and a great evening hanging with friends.  I need more moments like that and to focus on them.  I'll do my best in the next coming days to do so.

Time to post, which I think is overdue.  But I have been busy with school and roller derby and friends, so I have yet to find time.

On to more about why I feel so lonely.  I forgot to mention the town I live in.  I live alone, which is nice since I don't have to deal with anyone but me and my dog.  But it does get a bit lonely sometimes, not having someone around to talk to.  I also don't have many friends in this town.  I go to school with a bunch of 21/22 year old kids, most of whom get everything paid for by their parents and haven't had life experiences.  Then, most people my age in this town that I come in contact with aren't worth hanging out with.  I don't relate.  Anyone that I can relate to has left this place, cuz it is a shit hole.

My friends are mostly an hour drive away, or across the country.  I've decided I can't live in this town anymore.  Once I graduate, I'm moving out and am done with this place.  I'm not happy here, I don't relate.  I am getting out and about more though, as I have started taking Salsa dance lessons, and am now attending roller derby practice here and helping them build up their officials staff.

I am trying to fix this, but it is hard.  Even this weekend, when hanging out with friends, I still felt a little lonely.  My stomach is still upset, which is coming up on a month now that it hasn't felt right.  I force myself to eat.  I have managed to significantly slow down my weight loss, having only lost 2 lbs in the past 2 weeks.  I guess I could stand to lose my love handles, but it is weight loss due to not ingesting much food, which is not the healthiest way to do it.

I still miss the girl.  I saw her this weekend and it was nice to talk and hang out a little.  I'm having to hold back from just wanting to hold her, or give her a kiss on the forehead when we greet each other with a hug.  It's a tough thing to not be affectionate to someone who you care so much about.  It is for the best, as it is the best thing for her, which in turn is what is best for me.  I still hate it.  Then at times I think about the situation and get a little angry.  I feel like I was led on during that month we were sleeping together.  I think about my birthday and how she didn't come out just for a single beer.  I think about my birthday party where I didn't even get a birthday card from her, something that I didn't even notice till yesterday.  I think about how she doesn't respond to me just being friendly with a text message or google chat.  I feel like she is trying to cut me out completely, and maybe she is.  Maybe that is what she needs.  It would be nice if she would just say that if it is the case. I don't want to stir up an argument, so I won't bring it up.  Maybe I am exaggerating the whole thing.  I could be reading too much into it.  I would gladly not go to roller derby if I thought it help.  But I don't think it would.  The league needs as much support as they can get, and I love being around the league.  I just don't like the feeling that I get when I see her.  My stomach, once again, gets tied in knots and the feeling is amplified.  I wish it would just go away, that I could just move on.  I don't like it when it takes time for these things to be fixed.  I like instant.  I like a plan.  I like knowing when.  And I don't have any of that.

I do have things to look forward to.  There is a St. Pattys day parade this weekend.  There is more salsa dancing and derby practice.  I get to help out the jr derby.  And next friday I go back West for 9 days of amazing adventure and fun!  I would like to see all my friends when back West, but that will probably not happen, which is a bit of a bummer.

And recently my friend who tried to commit suicide is trying to get back in to skating with the girls.  I am torn on this.  I know it would be good for him, and it would be good for the girls to get him back as a coach.  But he is still a mess, still not in counseling, and drama from him is still around.  I don't think he is ready, and that he needs to be active in fixing himself before he asks the league to come back.  I told him this and recommended steps that he could take to make the transition easier.  He ignored me, which made me upset. I want to help, but I can't change him.  I can only offer advice, and what he does is up to him. I also told him that there will be no more negative talk with me.  I can't be his shoulder to lean on.  I can't solve all his problems and he needs counseling.

I want to get into some root causes of loneliness.  Most stem from family history and being on my own.  But I don't have time right now.  It is time for me to head back to school for, well, a giant waste of time.  My two classes today are awful and have no real purpose or outline.  It's amazingly bad.

Here goes nothing

The past 5 weeks have been rough.  I ended up going into a deep emotional pit from which it was hard to crawl out of.  Never have I felt so shitty.  I cried everyday for 5 days.  I couldn't eat and lost 4 lbs in that time frame.  I didn't smile, which is not like me.  I couldn't focus and I grounded myself from flying.  I was a mess.

I immediately sought help.  I went to my school counselor for a few sessions, then had to start seeing a new counselor in town.  And that is how this started.  He suggested that I write what goes on in my head and how I feel, since I don't really let out all my feelings.  I keep things quite and only display the happy thoughts and jolliness that I feel.  I am guessing that over time, keeping these things bottled up and internal for so long, that it all boiled up and came crashing down when coupled with the events of 5 weeks ago.

Keeping things short, here is the summary.  It started with an episode of Glee, a show I never watch.  A kid in the show had a dad that passed away when he was young, and he never knew him.  He found out his dad died from being depressed and didn't take care of himself.  The kid lived his life in a way that would make his dad proud, but after finding out the cause of his fathers death, decided he was going to live for himself and not end up like his father.  I related to this in a strong way.  My committed suicide when I was 2, and I never knew him.  All I have of his is some random belongings, sad notes/letters, and pictures.  I don't even know the sound of his voice.  But like the kid on Glee, as much as I miss a man I never knew, I don't want to be like him.

In December I broke up with an amazing girl due to the fact that she didn't feel strongly about our relationship and didn't see it going anywhere.  I was hurt, and for Christmas I left home to spend it with friends.  When I returned in January, her and I began spending time together again.  And one thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together.  We spoke about it, saying that it meant nothing, and in my head I acknowledged that it was what it was, and it was nice to not be alone.  I knew in my head that it was going to end.  But over that time, I started feeling myself growing closer to her and having feelings grown.  My heart and brain were at odds, and I didn't know it.  My stomach knew though, and it tensed up and it became hard to concentrate and to eat.  For 3 days I felt horrible, not knowing the cause.  And once I found out, me and her had a talk, and I had to face the truth.  That I still wanted to be with her, and she didn't want to be with me.  It hurt.  Especially since i didn't do anything to provoke it and deserve the rejection.  It just didn't work for her.  As much as I try to say it wasn't me, I can't help but feel that there is something wrong with me and that she just didn't want to tell me.  I am also unsure as to how strongly I felt, or still feel, about her.  Do I love her, or do I just love the idea of not being alone?  No idea, but now is not the time to dwell on that.

Just before I started feeling horrible in early February, a friend of mine attempted suicide.  Once again, this brought up issues with my dad.  I had to go take care of him and get him into a hospital so he could get help.  On top of this, I pretended to be him for a week since he couldn't have contact with the outside world and didn't want people to know where he was.  He has a lot of life drama that I was suddenly burdened with.  And it drained me.  Furthermore, he is a father of a 1 year old girl.  For him to commit suicide would have done to his daughter what my father did to me.  And it surfaced all those buried feelings again.

With the ex-girlfriend, I had gotten to a point where I felt extremely comfortable with her and could let her in past my walls and talk to her about anything.  It takes me a long time to feel comfortable with someone like that.  I have really only felt that comfortable around 2 other people.  To not have a future with her left me feeling alone, again.  Which is a recurring theme with me.  Loneliness.  And with that, comes other feelings of being rejected and worthless.

The shitty thing is, I know I am awesome.  I am an amazing guy.  So why do I feel like i am not?  Why don't my brain and heart ride the same train?  I have some of the best friends in the world, so why should I feel like I am not loved?  And this drives me crazy.  The underlying feelings of pain beneath a shell of a smiling face.

So loneliness.  I feel like I have no family.  No grandparents left, no mom, no dad, no sister, and a weak relationship with my dads side.  I have a strong relationship with one Aunt, but that's it.  Its just me.  And it's been that way for a long time.  Growing up I had to take care of myself.  Mom didn't do anything.  Sister was away in group homes.  And no father figure.  I carried on, did what I had to do, came across speed bumps, but succeeded.

But why did my dad kill himself? Was it really that bad?  I know my mom was horrible to him.  I recently came across letters from my dad to my grandma and realized my mom was a large factor, having used me as a bargaining tool.  And when he died, he died holding a picture of me and him, which I keep by my bedside. I guess he loved me, but not enough to stick around and get help for himself.  He felt abandoning me was the best option.  Why?  Why wasn't I good enough to keep him around?  And I think this is where all the feelings of insecurity come from.  Not understanding why if he loved me enough to die holding a picture of us, why that wasn't enough to keep him around.

My sister also committed suicide when she was 14.  I feel partly responsible for it because I wasn't the best brother.  I was not supportive and I consistently ridiculed her.  She loved me, and I ignored her.  And I think  that helped lead to her suicide.

My mother was never supportive.  She was an angry lady and not supportive.  She couldn't take care of herself at all, so how could she take care of children?  I had to take care of myself.  She would go into the hospital every 2 weeks, and I would be on my own.  Once my sister died, my mom called me asking if I needed her cuz she wanted to die and commit suicide.  I was not good enough to keep my own mother from wanting to live.

I also joined the Navy after high school to get away and start my life.  Most of that time I was single.  There were girls here and there, but nothing serious.  I was always busy and soon to leave, and I would not ask anyone to wait for me while I was out to sea, or to ask them to give up their life and move with me when I changed duty stations.  Nearing the end of my service time, I decided it was the right time to have a serious relationship.  I dated a girl for a year, thinking that things were okay and fine.  Turns out, they weren't good for her.  And her way of breaking up with me was to not talk to me.  Didn't return phone calls, texts, emails, nothing.  It felt horrible.  It was a giant insult to me.  What did I do to deserve the cold shoulder and rejection without a reason?  I was a mess after that.  Not to the point that I was recently, but still not good.  So I went to counseling and dealt with it.  But the idea  and thought still lingers...why wasn't I good enough? I probably would have married that girl if she had wanted to.  I loved her and would have done anything to make her happy.

I think that is it for now.  A brief touch on all sorts of things that have culminated into creating a crater in my emotional well being.  And perhaps I am already flawed, and the additional stress caused me to crack.  (Little material science reference there).  I guess I will get into each of these in detail later on as I blog more.