The past 5 weeks have been rough. I ended up going into a deep emotional pit from which it was hard to crawl out of. Never have I felt so shitty. I cried everyday for 5 days. I couldn't eat and lost 4 lbs in that time frame. I didn't smile, which is not like me. I couldn't focus and I grounded myself from flying. I was a mess.
I immediately sought help. I went to my school counselor for a few sessions, then had to start seeing a new counselor in town. And that is how this started. He suggested that I write what goes on in my head and how I feel, since I don't really let out all my feelings. I keep things quite and only display the happy thoughts and jolliness that I feel. I am guessing that over time, keeping these things bottled up and internal for so long, that it all boiled up and came crashing down when coupled with the events of 5 weeks ago.
Keeping things short, here is the summary. It started with an episode of Glee, a show I never watch. A kid in the show had a dad that passed away when he was young, and he never knew him. He found out his dad died from being depressed and didn't take care of himself. The kid lived his life in a way that would make his dad proud, but after finding out the cause of his fathers death, decided he was going to live for himself and not end up like his father. I related to this in a strong way. My committed suicide when I was 2, and I never knew him. All I have of his is some random belongings, sad notes/letters, and pictures. I don't even know the sound of his voice. But like the kid on Glee, as much as I miss a man I never knew, I don't want to be like him.
In December I broke up with an amazing girl due to the fact that she didn't feel strongly about our relationship and didn't see it going anywhere. I was hurt, and for Christmas I left home to spend it with friends. When I returned in January, her and I began spending time together again. And one thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together. We spoke about it, saying that it meant nothing, and in my head I acknowledged that it was what it was, and it was nice to not be alone. I knew in my head that it was going to end. But over that time, I started feeling myself growing closer to her and having feelings grown. My heart and brain were at odds, and I didn't know it. My stomach knew though, and it tensed up and it became hard to concentrate and to eat. For 3 days I felt horrible, not knowing the cause. And once I found out, me and her had a talk, and I had to face the truth. That I still wanted to be with her, and she didn't want to be with me. It hurt. Especially since i didn't do anything to provoke it and deserve the rejection. It just didn't work for her. As much as I try to say it wasn't me, I can't help but feel that there is something wrong with me and that she just didn't want to tell me. I am also unsure as to how strongly I felt, or still feel, about her. Do I love her, or do I just love the idea of not being alone? No idea, but now is not the time to dwell on that.
Just before I started feeling horrible in early February, a friend of mine attempted suicide. Once again, this brought up issues with my dad. I had to go take care of him and get him into a hospital so he could get help. On top of this, I pretended to be him for a week since he couldn't have contact with the outside world and didn't want people to know where he was. He has a lot of life drama that I was suddenly burdened with. And it drained me. Furthermore, he is a father of a 1 year old girl. For him to commit suicide would have done to his daughter what my father did to me. And it surfaced all those buried feelings again.
With the ex-girlfriend, I had gotten to a point where I felt extremely comfortable with her and could let her in past my walls and talk to her about anything. It takes me a long time to feel comfortable with someone like that. I have really only felt that comfortable around 2 other people. To not have a future with her left me feeling alone, again. Which is a recurring theme with me. Loneliness. And with that, comes other feelings of being rejected and worthless.
The shitty thing is, I know I am awesome. I am an amazing guy. So why do I feel like i am not? Why don't my brain and heart ride the same train? I have some of the best friends in the world, so why should I feel like I am not loved? And this drives me crazy. The underlying feelings of pain beneath a shell of a smiling face.
So loneliness. I feel like I have no family. No grandparents left, no mom, no dad, no sister, and a weak relationship with my dads side. I have a strong relationship with one Aunt, but that's it. Its just me. And it's been that way for a long time. Growing up I had to take care of myself. Mom didn't do anything. Sister was away in group homes. And no father figure. I carried on, did what I had to do, came across speed bumps, but succeeded.
But why did my dad kill himself? Was it really that bad? I know my mom was horrible to him. I recently came across letters from my dad to my grandma and realized my mom was a large factor, having used me as a bargaining tool. And when he died, he died holding a picture of me and him, which I keep by my bedside. I guess he loved me, but not enough to stick around and get help for himself. He felt abandoning me was the best option. Why? Why wasn't I good enough to keep him around? And I think this is where all the feelings of insecurity come from. Not understanding why if he loved me enough to die holding a picture of us, why that wasn't enough to keep him around.
My sister also committed suicide when she was 14. I feel partly responsible for it because I wasn't the best brother. I was not supportive and I consistently ridiculed her. She loved me, and I ignored her. And I think that helped lead to her suicide.
My mother was never supportive. She was an angry lady and not supportive. She couldn't take care of herself at all, so how could she take care of children? I had to take care of myself. She would go into the hospital every 2 weeks, and I would be on my own. Once my sister died, my mom called me asking if I needed her cuz she wanted to die and commit suicide. I was not good enough to keep my own mother from wanting to live.
I also joined the Navy after high school to get away and start my life. Most of that time I was single. There were girls here and there, but nothing serious. I was always busy and soon to leave, and I would not ask anyone to wait for me while I was out to sea, or to ask them to give up their life and move with me when I changed duty stations. Nearing the end of my service time, I decided it was the right time to have a serious relationship. I dated a girl for a year, thinking that things were okay and fine. Turns out, they weren't good for her. And her way of breaking up with me was to not talk to me. Didn't return phone calls, texts, emails, nothing. It felt horrible. It was a giant insult to me. What did I do to deserve the cold shoulder and rejection without a reason? I was a mess after that. Not to the point that I was recently, but still not good. So I went to counseling and dealt with it. But the idea and thought still lingers...why wasn't I good enough? I probably would have married that girl if she had wanted to. I loved her and would have done anything to make her happy.
I think that is it for now. A brief touch on all sorts of things that have culminated into creating a crater in my emotional well being. And perhaps I am already flawed, and the additional stress caused me to crack. (Little material science reference there). I guess I will get into each of these in detail later on as I blog more.
