I had an enjoyable spring break. I went back west and got to see friends, travel, hike, and go back to my roots. It was a much needed break from the stressors of everyday life. In fact, I was quite happy. My stomach issues went away and I was hungry again for the first time in over a month. I woke up wanting to eat a large breakfast and it was great!
I loved being able to hike in the forest. Even though it was grey, kinda gloomy, and rainy, it was super enjoyable. Being in the woods and going through elevation changes greater than 20 feet was amazing. My soul felt calmed and I was once again myself. Or the part of myself that I had been.
I then joined up for a roller derby tournament this past weekend with the league I officiate for. And to much of my surprise, I wasn't as happy there as I thought I would be. I started to be upset in my stomach a little, but still ate. I didn't feel like I was fully part of the team. And then the ex was there and around most the time. I did my best to not be around her when I didn't have to be, sitting on opposite sides of the stands to watch bouts. But just her presence was upsetting, more so than I thought it would be. Overall though, I still had fun and enjoyed working at a tournament and meeting new people from around the country. I just didn't find the time with my team as enjoyable as I thought I would.
During my time out west, I did some serious thinking. I feel comfortable there. Wanted. Free. I miss it. And I think that is where I must go. As much as I am trying to stay out East with the derby team here, it isn't best. I don't feel 100% part of the team, the ex is there, and the area doesn't fit me like the west coast does. Shoulda known better than to shit where I eat. So I think it is either off to work or off to school with me that I go. I was, and still am, reluctant to do another cross country move. I did it in the navy and hated it. Big reason why I left the navy. But this would be the final time. I move back west and I stay put. Even as I write this and acknowledge it, I'm still having reservations about moving and wanting to stay. Once the opportunities are on the table, I think it will help me make the choice.
Also out west, good friend gave me a book to read about neuroplasty and how the brain can change its wiring. She has been preaching to me about it since before I went out west. I finally got into it today. And quickly, withing the first 3 pages, I came to a realization. This depression, feeling bad, and abnormal way of thinking is something that is wired in my brain, and I have the power to change it. Suddenly, i realized why I dealt with this recent break up and everything else so poorly. I have wired myself to think that everything bad that happens in my life to be a result of me and my substandardness. Which in my thinking part of the brain, I know is not true. So i must start to rebuild and rewire the portions of my brain into a positive thinking entity in all regards. This brought relief once i realized this. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and now I have a plan, or plan to plan, a way to fix it. Gotta read more of the book and get to the part about positive thinking and depression and such.
Speaking of which, I also heard that acupuncture can help to relieve depression and melancholy feelings. I have a friend who does this, and I am seeing her this weekend. i am going to ask her what she thinks bout it and if she recommends it.
I think that is about all I have for now. Time for derby practice then sleep
No comments:
Post a Comment