Time to post, which I think is overdue.  But I have been busy with school and roller derby and friends, so I have yet to find time.

On to more about why I feel so lonely.  I forgot to mention the town I live in.  I live alone, which is nice since I don't have to deal with anyone but me and my dog.  But it does get a bit lonely sometimes, not having someone around to talk to.  I also don't have many friends in this town.  I go to school with a bunch of 21/22 year old kids, most of whom get everything paid for by their parents and haven't had life experiences.  Then, most people my age in this town that I come in contact with aren't worth hanging out with.  I don't relate.  Anyone that I can relate to has left this place, cuz it is a shit hole.

My friends are mostly an hour drive away, or across the country.  I've decided I can't live in this town anymore.  Once I graduate, I'm moving out and am done with this place.  I'm not happy here, I don't relate.  I am getting out and about more though, as I have started taking Salsa dance lessons, and am now attending roller derby practice here and helping them build up their officials staff.

I am trying to fix this, but it is hard.  Even this weekend, when hanging out with friends, I still felt a little lonely.  My stomach is still upset, which is coming up on a month now that it hasn't felt right.  I force myself to eat.  I have managed to significantly slow down my weight loss, having only lost 2 lbs in the past 2 weeks.  I guess I could stand to lose my love handles, but it is weight loss due to not ingesting much food, which is not the healthiest way to do it.

I still miss the girl.  I saw her this weekend and it was nice to talk and hang out a little.  I'm having to hold back from just wanting to hold her, or give her a kiss on the forehead when we greet each other with a hug.  It's a tough thing to not be affectionate to someone who you care so much about.  It is for the best, as it is the best thing for her, which in turn is what is best for me.  I still hate it.  Then at times I think about the situation and get a little angry.  I feel like I was led on during that month we were sleeping together.  I think about my birthday and how she didn't come out just for a single beer.  I think about my birthday party where I didn't even get a birthday card from her, something that I didn't even notice till yesterday.  I think about how she doesn't respond to me just being friendly with a text message or google chat.  I feel like she is trying to cut me out completely, and maybe she is.  Maybe that is what she needs.  It would be nice if she would just say that if it is the case. I don't want to stir up an argument, so I won't bring it up.  Maybe I am exaggerating the whole thing.  I could be reading too much into it.  I would gladly not go to roller derby if I thought it help.  But I don't think it would.  The league needs as much support as they can get, and I love being around the league.  I just don't like the feeling that I get when I see her.  My stomach, once again, gets tied in knots and the feeling is amplified.  I wish it would just go away, that I could just move on.  I don't like it when it takes time for these things to be fixed.  I like instant.  I like a plan.  I like knowing when.  And I don't have any of that.

I do have things to look forward to.  There is a St. Pattys day parade this weekend.  There is more salsa dancing and derby practice.  I get to help out the jr derby.  And next friday I go back West for 9 days of amazing adventure and fun!  I would like to see all my friends when back West, but that will probably not happen, which is a bit of a bummer.

And recently my friend who tried to commit suicide is trying to get back in to skating with the girls.  I am torn on this.  I know it would be good for him, and it would be good for the girls to get him back as a coach.  But he is still a mess, still not in counseling, and drama from him is still around.  I don't think he is ready, and that he needs to be active in fixing himself before he asks the league to come back.  I told him this and recommended steps that he could take to make the transition easier.  He ignored me, which made me upset. I want to help, but I can't change him.  I can only offer advice, and what he does is up to him. I also told him that there will be no more negative talk with me.  I can't be his shoulder to lean on.  I can't solve all his problems and he needs counseling.

I want to get into some root causes of loneliness.  Most stem from family history and being on my own.  But I don't have time right now.  It is time for me to head back to school for, well, a giant waste of time.  My two classes today are awful and have no real purpose or outline.  It's amazingly bad.