I should update more, but it is hard to find time to do so.

This week in counseling, I finally figured out why I feel so horrible and what has been nagging at me.  I have an overwhelming feeling of being worthless, or not good enough.  It is completely illogical, and I know it isn't true. And my emotions are fighting my brain and it is a constant struggle.

I know that I am intelligent, handsome, caring, giving, funny, hard working, honest, and overall awesome.  I tell myself this several times a day.  I want my emotions to feel this way as well.

In order to do that, I have to look at where this feeling comes from.  It is not just the recent rejection by a girl, or a friend attempting suicide, not having friends in the town I live in, or not having an idea what I'm doin in 63 days when I graduate .  It comes from a life of being alone, being the only person I could count on.

My dad killed himself when I was 2.  I wasn't good enough for him.
My grandparents on my moms side always talked down to me.  I wasn't good enough for them.
My sister was born, and I got less attention from my mom.  I wasn't worth her time anymore.

My sister killed herself.  I wasn't good enough for her.
My mom did a horrible job as a mother, leaving me to learn how to take care of myself.  I wasn't worth her care.
I was bullied in school.  I wasn't good enough for friends.

My dad's family never expected me to do well for myself.  I wasn't good enough to be success to them.

I never did well with girls or women.  I am not good enough for them.

That is it in a nutshell.  Where these feelings come from.  I've been very successful at defeating them, or covering them up.  Probably more covering than anything else.  The events mentioned above all together triggered a massive release of all these issues and has flooded my head.

I am also on the verge of isolating myself from the ex-girlfriend.  I've been trying the friendship thing and talking/hanging out in social roller derby related situations.  I try it, and my stomach is all in knots.  I'm secretly a train wreck about to happen when I'm around her.  Just typing this is upsetting me.  I wouldn't say it is due to me missing her.  Its missing how I felt when I was with her.  Its the feeling of rejection when I see her face and that once again I am reminded that I am not good enough.  Last night I had a dream where she was hurt in a car accident, and I rushed over to help her.  In my dream, she looked at me and said "No!  Stop!  I don't want you here!"  She is a trigger for this feeling.  

With that, I think I need to isolate myself from her the best that I can.  Don't hang out with her at derby, remove her from friend on facebook, and avoid other situations that I know she will be at.  At least for the time being, and until I fix myself and regain confidence.  I really want to be her friend, but don't think that it is healthy for me at this moment.  I won't decide on this today, as I am not in a good state of mind to do so.  I am also still angry at her.  Angry for being led on, angry for being ignored, and angry that all this seems so easy for her.  But I'll figure it out by Wed and let her know if I decide that more distance is needed.  

There have been good days.  Days I feel like myself and I'm happy and joyous.  Currently, things are a roller coaster.  Highs and lows.  Today is a low day.  I don't like the low days (who would?).  It sucks when people notice it.  I don't want to tell them what is happening.  It isn't their business and it wouldn't solve anything.  All it would do is upset them.  So I keep it quiet.  It sucks that it is that easy for people to notice.  

I had a great day at the parade yesterday, and a great evening hanging with friends.  I need more moments like that and to focus on them.  I'll do my best in the next coming days to do so.